Now that we’ve put “Assgate” behind us (pun intended), we’ve concluded that it’s time for us to leave behind the fetid backwater of local government known as Maine Township.

As the initial premise of our valedictory, however, we must confess to our foolishness in taking any interest in Township government in the first place. Its budget is minimal, the services it performs could be done better and more economically by various charities, and if townships didn’t provide so many make-work jobs for idiot nephews and clueless in-laws of various Democrat and Republican politicians the township form of government would have been abolished decades ago.

In our defense, we got carried away by how refreshing it was to see the first non-RINO trustees in decades – Dave Carrabotta (R), Claire McKenzie (D) and Susan Sweeney (R) – get elected to that Board and promptly attempt, in bi-partisan fashion, to drain that swamp of its cronyism and waste. We dubbed Carrabotta, McKenzie and Sweeney “The Reformers” and praised some of their more notable achievements in our posts of 01.24.2018, 02.08.2018, 02.13.2018, 04.24.2018 and 05.25.2018.

But then came “Assgate,” a 100% political cavalcade of stupidity that demonstrated (much to our chagrin) that The Reformers – no matter how public-spirited and pro-taxpayer they might be – are no match for the entrenched cabal of RINO Supervisor Laura Morask, RINO Trustee Kim Jones, RINO Non-Assessor Susan Moylan-Krey, RINO Clerk Peter Gialamas, and RINO Road Commissioner Walter Kazmierczak.

And after observing The Reformers for more than a year we have regrettably concluded that, even though they hold a 3-vote majority of the Board (the “Bloc of 3,” as Jones derisively branded them in her staged September 26 “It’s not okay” soliloquy) and can thereby control every Board decision by a 3-2 vote if they were to stick together, they have neither the savvy nor the spine to avoid being bamboozled, intimidated and out-maneuvered by the RINO minority.

Could they develop such savvy and spine? Anything’s possible.

But when Carrabotta demanded an unlawful (under the Illinois Open Meetings Act) closed session in which to throw his tantrum about Jones’ baseless accusations, and when McKenzie and Sweeney mindlessly went along with him, it became obvious to us that it’s a stretch to think that they can get themselves ready for prime time in the foreseeable future.

We hope we’re wrong on that count, but we’re not ready to double down on The Reformers at this point.

So rather than waste more of this blog’s (and its editor’s) time, attention and effort, we’re pulling out of the Maine Township swamp and heading back to those local governmental bodies that matter most to Park Ridge residents: The City of Park Ridge, School District 64, School District 207, the Park Ridge Park District and the Park Ridge Library.

As we pull up stakes, however, we offer the following advice to those we’re leaving behind:

To “The Reformers”: Get out of this cesspool ASAP! You don’t have the governmental or political chops to handle the Township’s RINOs and their unholy alliance with Madigan toadies Marty Moylan and Laura Murphy – especially when the so-called leaders of your own Stupid Party of Illinois (Tim Schneider) and Cook County (Sean Morrison) are so inept and clueless that they can’t even stop RINO Jones from doing robo-calls endorsing Dem. Moylan for state rep (“Hi. This is Maine Twp. Trustee Kim Jones…[and] I’m voting for Marty Moylan for state representative…because Marty Moylan cares about women’s rights”).

Instead, try something more productive like running for your city council, park board or school board. Or just stay home watching “Big Bang Theory” re-runs and doing crossword puzzles – which, no matter how unproductive that might be, beats more of the dumpster-diving you’ve been doing at Maine Town Hall.

To you Township RINOs: Have the decency to come out of the closet and declare yourselves the Democrats you’ve been for so many years.

To Trustee Jones: Now that your flimsy sexual harassment accusations against Carrabotta have been determined to be unverifiable after two months (and $30,000+) of investigation by attorneys from the law firm (Ancel Glink) you and Supervisor Morask handpicked as the Township’s counsel, how about sitting quietly until the EEOC and the Illinois Dept. of Human Rights also dismiss the accusations you subsequently filed with them?

But if you still must insist that somebody at Maine Township touched your ass, why not make it a reality by giving your political mentor, Wally Kazmierczak, the thrill of his lifetime:

Why not offer him one nice friendly squeeze – preferably during one of Dick Barton’s promotional group photos that you folks like so much? Considering all the RINO political advice and support Wally has given you over the years, both at the Secretary of State’s office and now at Town Hall, he might find that to be a welcome token of appreciation.

To all you public-spirited citizens who have tried to support The Reformers by attending meetings and speaking about the issues: You all deserve a hearty round of applause for those efforts. But even if reforming the stupid/incompetent/corrupt Township government were possible, you’re all too smart and talented to keep wasting your valuable time and energy throwing pearls before swine, or (in keeping with the metaphor) trying to turn this Township sow’s ear into a silk purse.

The Township’s budget is barely more than that of the Park Ridge Library, Joe Egan and Mike Reardon, so we respectfully suggest that your time could be better spent in your roles as Park Ridge Library Trustees. Larry Ryles, your plate as a D-64 Board member also appears full, and that includes building a budget that is more than 10x the size of the Township’s. And Mesdames Jayne Reardon and Joan Sandrik: The taxpayers of our community could sure use public officials with the intelligence, judgment and courage you both have demonstrated time and again in speaking truth to power, albeit dim-bulb wattage.

Finally, to Maine Township Republican Committeeman Char Foss-Eggemann: You did the unthinkable by trouncing (63%-37%) RINO Carol Teschky for the committeeman position in March 2014. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished; and all you got for your trouble was a RINO-dominated Township ticket whose shameless RINO members have done nothing but try to undermine you ever since.

Face the fact that your Stupid Party of Illinois (f/k/a the “Republican Party of Illinois”) won’t get any real traction here in Madiganistan at any level of government for the foreseeable future, especially when the Maine Township branch is loaded with RINOs. Even if Speaker Madigan were to croak, he has enough apprentices and coat-holders who would be more than a match for the likes of Tim Schneider, Sean Morrison, Dan Proft and Dick Uihlien. And for the likes of Tom Ricketts, if Crain’s is right about him being the new Stupid Party moneybags should Rauner lose on November 6.

And like Messrs. Egan and Reardon, you’ve got the Park Ridge Library Board as an outlet for your public service.

We wish we could say writing about Maine Township government was fun, but it wasn’t. We wish we could say writing about it had some positive effects, but we doubt it did. So we leave it behind with nothing more than the hope that someday the Illinois General Assembly acquires the common sense to abolish township government statewide – and let the existing county and municipal government infrastructures take over those township tasks.

But so long as we keep sending yahoos like Marty Moylan to Springfield to shine Madigan’s shoes, don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.

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